These Bold Color Sequins Shriek Listen To She

Always Always Always

2006-03-12T20:52:00.000-08:00

"I love you I hate you I can't get around you" These are lyrics from Salvia's song Always!! Just a small part of a very moving song you want to scream when your really filled up inside with a bunch of Shit!!

So I am pretty new to this whole Just a blog!! I have a myspace, but I really needed a place were I can just go Nuts on it!!! Not that I am trying to consieve who I am!!! But like a real journal I can say who is finally pissing me the hell off without anyone wanting to kill me or just never speak to me again!! I think we all have those moments though!!! I mean I know my freinds are not always Happy an Peachy about things but enless we can be really real with people we chose to not say certain things to keep a things at a standard of some peace!! Ha ya what am I saying!?!?! Thats one of those things were you know what you mean but how the hell can you get it out so it sounds right!!!

Anyways!!!!! Life Honestly is like in a huge Knot!!! I have been trying to work things out for so long I think that I finally just gave in!!! BLAHHH!!! So I move to Oregon as you might have realize from my weird rant were I am talking in like third, second, an first person all randomly But basically I was getting out like letter to right to my G-Ma or organize what i feel because I move here to try an become more independent an on my own but she has been just making all these crazy rules!! I mean they are not to terrible but basically I want to be selfish but I can't!!! Living with her is like a favor!!! It's free an I am so poor!! I can only except to take things the way they are for now! At least until I get on my own two feet!!! The age gap is really starting to show up though!!! Just lil things that really shouldn't matter but in this year they do!!

I haven't hungout with any girls in like a month an half so I feel like I am going pretty nuts!!! Something about just having a girl friend to be girly with an pour out all you girly bitchyness times a million an then again over a huge fatty mc fattester gallon of ice cream ha thats a lot--- OH YAAA!!! I have fam pretty close an it was great for awhile!!! But my Uncle Matt an His wife Krystal well there Married an you can only have so much fun hanging out with a couple!!! Just isn't the same as going to the mall an being completely retarded with a best friend!!! Although I have Michael who is now my best friend an current flame!!! But still he's a guy!!! It's just making a new girly hasn't been so easy because all I get to do is work!!! oh ya YAAY!!!
So ya here I am thinking I am getting away or escaping crapy but I honestly think i just got stuck in a heap ton more or something!!! I mean if I was like most my age in college I could basically have any of the possibilities that I want!!! I wish it was just that easy!!! Maybe if I just give it sometime things will start too look a lil clearer!!! ha maybe how long have we humans been hoping for that!!! I just always come to the same daily conclusion like I am honestly going in circles!!! For REAL!!! I knew more of where I was going when I was younger!!! That or maybe it really is that childlike faith that your goals an life aspirations will just come to you!!! Hard Work, No procrastination, an determination ha those be in a ten year old's day dreams --- HMMM i think NOT!!!

So lets get going right!!! HA RighTTT --- WHy don't You just move your big fat ASS then!!! Yep this thing call life I think I am getting a D in it!!! I mean well I am still breathing thats about the only positive sign!!!! See the only problem is there isn't a book to reaD an become an expert on this is the best way to walk through LIFE right!!! Even if you just thought the bible Yes great choice but still!!! Ha that isn't even easy!!! But no I really have no care for easy maybe just a break sometimes!!! Maybe this is as tough as it gets hmmm right thats a long shot!!! I am only nineteen I shoulD just knock on wooD or something!!!!

Oh an my new computer a Dell labtop well before I move here My lil kitten ate two keys my perioD an the D so i am copy an pasting the letter but when it comes to the other i just use the !!!! cuz it's easier!!! They were working for awhile but i have to call now an well figure out how to talk to the crazy people over the phone HAAA like an adult!!! Anything else please to make the knot TIGHTER!!! AHHHHHHHHH!

Fustration Screams No falling Into Routine!!

2006-03-12T15:14:00.000-08:00

This is me trying to organize all my thoughts an fustrations!!! I want to come up with the right way to say what I am feeling but I am not sure I know how!! I am trying to be as independent as possible an figure out this adult stuff as it comes to me, or also jump slighty ahead sometimes so I can be ready for it when it comes!!! Starting work at the age of fourteen an also having the parents I have taught me to be pretty independent at a young age!!! So for the past five almost six years I have experienced an early adult hood or at least it seems considering some of my peers!!! Not be mistaken I am not comparing myself I am beyond Greatful because I like who I am an my determination!! Although coming to the life decision of what to do after high school has been challenging: I honestly believe that it's just apart of who I am!! It's not that I have no intrest in becoming something great or any goals or lack determination it's just that there is so much I want to do!!! It really is a trying decision for a young adult to make!! When most of my friend's were worried about extra curulicular activities to be on there college applications or sports: I was working!! I always figured when I graduate I would just being going away to colleg cuz i was a smart kid an surprising I am still am!! When it came to that choice though community college really seem like a better option for me, an I mean everything was great at home, an I have a great job!!! No I really wasn't just staying for comfort more just because of money reason's!!! An two years for a transfer degree seem not to much longer away!!! That was my first choice!! Then things started to get a lil nuts at home-- being torn between my mom an dad!!! Being a teen an trying to keep a balance even when your fighty or argueing with one it's easier to side with the other that your on good terms with!!! But as hard as that was i try with all my strength basically to just keep my emotions about either one to myself an my emotions about what was really going on in my life to myself---Which I am starting to see I haven't ment to but is making me about ready to burst!! An wasn't very heathy but the possitive part was I at least got them out in a new found talent of writing but still yet the people who should have known just kept growing there own opinions about who I am then really knowing!! So then I found a neat lil one year bible school to almost run away to!!! I thought I can just be on my own vaykay for a year an figure things out with God by myside leading me an have a change of scenery!! I was absolutely set on this!!! I really thought I could raise the money an I hope to an I try to!!! But well even though for the first quarter I only needed about 1000 up front it still seem pretty hard to come up with the rest an I was unsure if i could get a job!!! Plus I got in late so by the time I got the call I was starting to set up another hope for which was beauty school!!! My other back up since community college already started!! An I figure I could start up at the end of October!!! But then my Father call an said he was not returning home from New York but staying!!!! So here my Mom is left with all sort's of finacial crap an worries from a divorce!!! Then I am fill with worries still about what I want to do an possibly helping pay rent now while going to school but being able to work enough to pay for rent an other things but still have time to go to school!! So I push beauty school further away an then thought of taking a Winter community college class but what if I go for the option of moving to Oregon!!! Something my G-Ma offered in spring when I graduated!!! So I have another option which look bright but I really want to make the right choice but who knows what is the right choice really!!! I plan it all out though!!! Weigh the options!! A new adventure!! Family close by!!! New Scenery!! New Friend's!!! No more Papa Murphy's!!! Ha I thought I could get maybe some job with more hours an pay hehehe so far still looking!! But even with that said I am actively trying to presue another job that will get me what I need to get up on my own feet some more, but as well as long as the job I currently have is providing me with call in hours I can use that extra cash so I might as well take it if it's being given!!! Then when the time comes an I am not working I can continue on my hunt for something better!!! OH yes my other point!!! So moving here to Oregon I was Also completely hoping or a new start!!! No one really knows me so maybe people will actually see who I am now!!! Wow so much more to write but I will continue later!! Just thoughts!!! So jumbled!
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- - independence of someone my age - - reason for coming here - - punish feel like guilty of something but haven't done anything! - -

Random Thinkings

2006-03-10T15:29:00.000-08:00

No matter how much older I seem to get I still am looked at an referred to as being young. Like when I was twelve I thought at that age that the twenty year olds around me seem so completely adult --- An they were even looked at with the same freedom's as the even older adults. For some reason though I am still just a Kid!! I am puzzled really! I have carried an matured with adult responsibilies over the past five year's since I started my first job, but yet I am an adult with responsibilities but no one will let me be completely FREE! ~~~ Or recent developements make it seem that maybe I will just be a kid forever Because NOW to be an Adult it seems you have to be going crazy!!! Why can't they just let me live my own life!